AUCTION IN FAVOUR OF THE INTEMPERATE SIKH PROVIDER FOR NINE

Now where were we? Contemplating the staging of an auction, the proceeds of which will be forwarded to the most poignant subject of comrade Roebuck's Epistle to the Barbarians (aka, the Tuesday Tirade), namely the "irritating" Young Mr Singh (aka, the "Intemperate Sikh warrior")... Oh Rowboat, Rowboat, you tugged my heart strings (almost said hugged my tart strings, whatever that means)... "head of a family and responsible for raising NINE people..." Oh, Lordy, Lordy... I mean, what could we do? We gotta do something... Evidently the Maharajahs havent been pulling their weight... Nine people... Well, there's my collection of rare pith helmets (or did I already hock them for the divine Pedro Ximenez Sherry?)... Excuse me, excuse moi, MOI! Bottles, bottles everywhere... might be worth a bob or two... lovely labels... Otter Bright (Henry Williamson eat your heart out)... Ripon Jewel, Old Speckled Hen, Badger Champion, Marston's Owd Rodger... What am I bid? Come on, what'll we open with? Gawd elp us... I dunno... Gently up the stream, merrily, merrily, life is... Life is what? He knows about dogs though, I'll give him that...wont PAY him that, every cent towards the Fund remember... I'll GIVE him that..."a pack of wild dogs"... He's travelled... That dog in Panama City in 1969 smelt me out... that mongrel knew I wasnt a local... Smelt the white in me, you bet he did... mongrel... As my old mum would say, He knows, he KNOWS...Backrow that is, he knows, he knows where it's at, he knows... keen as any Panama City mongrel, he can smell a wrong'un, oh yes... Pater Buckroar... and then he lets fly... bellows he does, sack em all he says, now, this minute, yesterday, 2005, twenty years ago, sack em all, in perpetuity... How dare they claim to have won the Sydney Test Match let alone the last sixteen... Gor blimey... Well, it's getting late, the heat's still on us, next door's bloody air con sounds like the Great Southern Stand growling in unison as Dennis & Jeff rev up... But what else could I offer to this auction then? My first edition Fowler's Modern English Usage? My cricketing memoirs? But they arent written yet missus, oh some, yes, bits & pieces, dribs & drabs... I'll sleep on it... metaphorically! No sleeping tonight mates, not a bloody wink (AND THAT'S AN ORDER)!
Phew!
Ever yours, The Armchair Cricket

THE ARMCHAIR CRICKET

First of all it was the ex-coach suggesting the Australians should share their talents around the globe to ensure sporting contests...allow Aussies to qualify for other countries to even up the competition..."something has to be done!" What what what? And why why why? As though the national team were just another club side, and even if it was could you imagine a football club (any code) sharing its players around in order to have a "fairer" game? It's preposterous! A load of rubbish. Well, I dont need to repeat what Chapelli & Warnie have already expressed. Buchanan's musings are one thing, after all he retired with a great record as coach, but the approving chorus (including Tim Lane? I forget) amazed me... Seemed to me then that the world was tilting rather oddly, and it wasnt the malt or the port responsible. Why the unease with victory, with pride in victory? Why was it OK for the Windies to be truly invincible in their time but not the Aussies now? Who are the fans who'd exchange loss for victory? I dont get it...
And now we have the controversy of the 2nd Australia vs India test match which has got the lot : technology second-guessing & showing up umpires' decisions,the issue of sportsmanship regarding catches taken or spilt, walking or standing ground, the perennial sledging, the racial vilification allegations and, indeed, match referee Procter's judgement on the issue, Harbhajan Singh's suspension... and then all hell breaks loose with Peter Roebuck's opinion piece in The Age newspaper taking the biscuit, that is the cinder... Gawd elp me, gawd elp us all...
Time to go to work... Oh yes missus, I do work... I have a train to catch... I'd love to stay here tippling amongst my books, traipsing around memory lane... But I promise to resume later, maybe tonight when I'll have something to say about Roebuck, Roebuck & his New Australian boater sporting Kevin 07 stripes, so to speak, Roebuck as the sillier spruiker of a dizzy postcolonialism.... Oh yes, I'm just getting warmed up, and still not a malt or a port in sight...
Ever yours, The Armchair Cricket